Maybe your relationship isn’t everything it used to be. If you try to talk to your partner about it, they get angry, or refuse to discuss it because they think you’re trying to blame them. Or perhaps they are always trying to tell you how you need to be different. Sometimes you aren’t sure if the problem is you or them. Whatever the discussion is about (money, relatives, sex, children, work…) somehow it isn’t possible to have a sensible conversation. Maybe you feel lonely in this relationship.
I specialise in relationship therapy. I can help get things back on track.
I particularly work with people who are having relationship difficulties such as:
Please check my "Contact, Availability, and Charges" page and contact me if you have relationship problems like these. (I am based in Surbiton, convenient for Kingston upon Thames, Thames Ditton, Raynes Park, Wimbledon, and Richmond.) We can set up a first session to understand what is going on. If after the first session, you decide not to proceed, I will not mind, and will happily refund the cost of that session. You have to find a counsellor that's right for you. Most of my work is on Zoom, but I do have some face to face sessions in Surbiton.
Please feel free to contact me.
Talking to a couples counsellor
Talking to a couple counsellor, also known as relationship therapy or marriage guidance, can help to get your conversation going again. It can be a relief to each be able to express your point of view safely. A relationship counsellor will be non-judgemental and will not be trying to decide which of a couple is right, or who wins the argument. Very often, one of the couple is more keen to do counselling than the other. This is normal. Again, please feel free to discuss it with me if this concerns you.
I do not generally think of my clients in terms of having something wrong with them, but rather in terms of having got into a bad pattern of interaction. I often use the approach of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT for couples). See this page which explains more about EFT for couples.
If you are having problems, it is much better to address them sooner rather than later.
See my "About" page for more about my approach.
If you are on the brink of divorce - Discernment Counselling
With most couples, I do "normal" couple counselling.
But if one of you is considering divorce, you may not want to commit to counselling together. I understand that. I have a short-term approach designed specifically for this. (It's called Discernment Counselling.) It’s a chance to slow down, take a breath, and look at your options. It's for when one person is not sure that the pain of talking deeply about things is worth it, and is reluctant to start counselling.
I can help each consider whether to try to restore your marriage to health, or move toward divorce, or take a pause and decide later. The goal is for you to gain clarity and confidence about a direction, based on a deeper understanding of your relationship and its possibilities for the future. It's not the goal at this stage to fix the relationship.
The goal at this stage is not to solve your relationship problems, but just to assess if they are potentially solvable. You will each be treated with compassion and respect no matter how you are feeling about your marriage at the moment. No bad guys and good guys. We will try to understand what is happening, so that a choice can be made.
You will attend as a couple but the most important work occurs in one-to-one conversations with me. Why? Because you are starting out from different places. I will respect the reasons for divorce while exploring the possibility of making a better marriage.
Number of sessions is up to a maximum of 5. The first session is usually 2 hours and the subsequent are 1.5 or 2 hours, during which I will talk with each partner separately to hear their point of view.
This (or any) couple counselling is not suited for the following situations:
- When one spouse has already made a final decision to divorce
- When one spouse is coercing the other to participate
- When there is a risk of domestic violence
Latest blog post - how to have a good conversation
Improv skills for relationships!
I was listening to a podcast with Colin Mochrie, who used to be on "Whose line is it anyway?" He described the principles of Improv comedy, and how hard it is to do! He runs workshops where they try to teach it to business people, but he finds many people have habits of automatically doing the opposite. And yet these skills are the same ones that will help in a relationship.
He said there are three things to do in Improv: (1) Listen to your partner. (2) Agree with whatever they said. And (3) make them look good. So often, I see couples where both partners automatically do the opposite of these three things. They try to make their own point, they try to find a way to disprove whatever their partner said, and they try to make a snappy comeback.
(1) Listen. Many people, while their partner is talking, are listening to their own thoughts, preparing their own statement. They don’t know what their partner said, or they didn’t really take in the implications. I know this because I ask them: "can you summarise what your partner just said?" Often, they can’t.
(2) Agree. This means, finding a way it could be true, or could make sense. Improv comedians say “Yes and…”. What is your partner really getting at? Suppose, for example, your partner says “you never clean the bath after yourself”, and you know that you do. You may feel outrage! But instead, could you perhaps sincerely say “I guess my standards of cleaning are lower than yours” Or “I know I can be pretty forgetful.” Find a way to agree. Interpret what they said in the most reasonable possible way. This takes the energy out of their attack.
(3) Make them look good. Or in the case of a couple, make them feel good. Don’t try to “win”. Maybe you could sincerely say that you’re very grateful for their cleaning, because you know you’d live in a mess if you didn’t have them. Express appreciation for something about them.
Maybe you’re thinking that if you do this, you’ll “lose”. All I can say is, winning doesn’t get you what you want. I've never seen anyone persuade their partner to change by landing a really good comeback.
If this is difficult, I can help steer you through it.
You can find more short notes like this on my Blog page.
To men
Masculinity today is a puzzle: how are you supposed to be these days? Strong? Or emotional? Should you show your feelings? How can you be "emotionally supportive" in a masculine way?
Have you perhaps looked at men’s web sites, or the book “No More Mr Nice Guy”?
As I am a man, I am aware of these issues. I understand the problems that men face in relationships. As a couples counsellor I can help you with them, without trying to push you into a feminine way of dealing with them. Men and women often tend to have different ways of dealing with emotions and relationships.
Other sources of support for couples
Many good books on marriage and relationship problems are available - I particularly recommend those published by RELATE on topics such as infidelity.
Internet Forums - there are quite a number of free marriage guidance forums and discussion groups on the internet where visitors advise each other about their relationship problems such as affairs and arguments. I recommend caution with these. Generally the people providing online advice are not trained marriage counsellors - they are other people having problems, so they often have quite a negative view, and urge people towards separation. Some forums advise almost everyone to divorce! Beware of this. Most relationship problems can be improved, if the partners want to. Most couples who think about divorce but don't, are glad later that they stayed together.
