Maybe your relationship isn’t everything it used to be. If you try to talk to your partner about it, they get angry, or refuse to discuss it because they think you’re trying to blame them. Or perhaps they are always trying to tell you how you need to be different. Sometimes you aren’t sure if the problem is you or them. Whatever the discussion is about (money, relatives, sex, children, work…) somehow it isn’t possible to have a sensible conversation. Maybe you feel lonely in this relationship.
I specialise in relationship therapy. I can help get things back on track.
I particularly work with people who are having relationship difficulties such as:
Please check my "Contact, Availability, and Charges" page and contact me if you have relationship problems like these. (I am based in Surbiton, convenient for Kingston upon Thames, Thames Ditton, Raynes Park, Wimbledon, and Richmond.) We can set up a first counselling session to understand what is going on. If after the first session, you decide not to proceed, I will not mind, and will happily refund the cost of that session. You have to find a counsellor that's right for you. I have sessions on Zoom, and I do offer some face to face sessions in Surbiton.
Please feel free to contact me.
Talking to a couples counsellor
Talking to a couple counsellor, also known as relationship therapy or marriage guidance, can help to get your conversation going again. It can be a relief to each be able to express your point of view safely. A relationship counsellor will be non-judgemental and will not be trying to decide which of a couple is right, or who wins the argument. Very often, one of the couple is more keen to do counselling than the other. This is normal. Again, please feel free to discuss it with me if this concerns you.
I do not generally think of my clients in terms of having something wrong with them, but rather in terms of having got into a bad pattern of interaction. I often use the approach of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT for couples). See this page which explains more about EFT for couples.
If you are having problems, it is much better to address them sooner rather than later.
See my "About" page for more about my approach.
Latest blog post - Attachment style
Attachment style is one of the most useful and applicable ideas in psychology. I see it every day in my client sessions.
It says that different people have different reactions to relationship stress. Some people try to solve "the problem" by trying to get their partner to change, by asking or telling them, often with a lot of emotion. Other people try to solve "the problem" by smoothing it over, avoiding upsetting their partner, "least said soonest mended" kind of approach.
The former group are more likely to be reading this web page. They are looking for solutions. They are the people who send their partners articles off the web, or buy them self-help books. This sounds well-intentioned, but the risk is that they can give the impression that they think their partner is basically the problem.
The latter group (sometimes called "avoidant") are more reluctant to go into counselling. They say things like "it's not that bad". It's often not understood how much the avoidant are suffering and how deep their emotions run. They are afraid that opening all this up might do irreparable damage.
If a couple is one of each kind, then the solution is usually not that difficult. We need to explore how they are different, and help each to understand the other's motivation. It's more difficult if we have two from the first group, who will tend to argue endlessly. And worse still if we have two from the second group, but usually that couple wouldn't even show up for counselling.
It's not a male/female thing. Each gender can be of either attachment style, and this applies just as much to same-sex couples.
I am happy to help you think about your own styles.
To men
Masculinity today is a puzzle: how are you supposed to be these days? Strong? Or emotional? Should you show your feelings? How can you be "emotionally supportive" in a masculine way?
Have you perhaps looked at men’s web sites, or the book “No More Mr Nice Guy”?
As I am a man, I am aware of these issues. I understand the problems that men face in relationships. As a couples counsellor I can help you with them, without trying to push you into a feminine way of dealing with them. Men and women often tend to have different ways of dealing with emotions and relationships.
Other sources of support for couples
Many good books on marriage and relationship problems are available - I particularly recommend those published by RELATE on topics such as infidelity.
Internet Forums - there are quite a number of free marriage guidance forums and discussion groups on the internet where visitors advise each other about their relationship problems such as affairs and arguments. I recommend caution with these. Generally the people providing online advice are not trained marriage counsellors - they are other people having problems, so they often have quite a negative view, and urge people towards separation. Some forums advise almost everyone to divorce! Beware of this. Most relationship problems can be improved, if the partners want to. Most couples who think about divorce but don't, are glad later that they stayed together.
